Ask Ami

I have a monstrously huge crush on my professor and I dont know how to proceed. I know it would be wrong professionally.... to flirt with him.... but that just makes me want to that much more. I see no moral issues though hes a very incredibly young instructor and Im a 4th year student.

Fri, 15 Feb 2013 20:53:37 -0800

I recommend you read the last question I answered about student/teacher relationships if you really want my opinion on them. But I assume by professor you mean to say that you’re in college, so if you’re over 18 there’s nothing legally wrong about it. I won’t be able to give you advice going about it though, sorry.

Ive been talking to this guy. everyone says hes into me because of the things he says and texts he sends but im trying not to believe it since its so easy to get your heart crushed. hes always very flirty and we hang out often. i really like him but i dont know how he feels&i dont wanna ask cuz i dont want to ruin the friendship we have. i feel like guys move on easily from girl to girl, which is why i dont want to get my hopes since we wont see each other over break. i dont know what to do/feel

Sun, 16 Dec 2012 22:33:33 -0800

I know the feeling, definitely been there before and it’s tough. But, life is about taking a chance sometimes or else you’ll never know what could have been. You think that guys move from girl to girl. While that’s true for some, not all guys are like that. You also said that everyone else thinks he likes you. That’s a good sign. Do they ever notice other things about him? Like does he talk to a lot of other girls in a flirty way or date around? If not, you probably don’t need to be super concerned about just being his next fling. So, I think if he’s a nice guy overall that you should go for it. You’re not seeing him over break but if you hang out often when you guys get back you could bring up how it was weird not seeing him since you’re so used to hanging out, or something along those lines. Even if you can’t see each other, maybe connecting through facebook or just texting him will keep you on his mind. I know it can be scary to put yourself out there after getting hurt, but if things continue in the direction it’s going with you two talking and spending time together I bet it will turn out just fine :)

I am interested in a person but not sure if I should try and pursue a relationship with them. Before this our relationship was teacher-student and so it was inappropriate for us to have any other kind of relationship. Is is ok now that I have graduated? There is about a 18 year age difference, is that too much? I don't think he knows I am interested in him, so how would I go about telling him to see if he is also interested in a relationship?

Wed, 12 Dec 2012 23:24:00 -0800

Hello,

First of all, it took me a while to respond to this for a few reasons:

1. I just had my first finals week in college, and

2. At my former high school a teacher (whose class I was in at one point!) was recently arrested for having a relationship with an underage student.

If you want my honest opinion, I think romantic relationships between students and teachers that teach high school and lower are inappropriate. The occupation of a teacher is one of power, and many don’t seem to recognize this. As a teacher, your job is to prepare young people for the world ahead of them, to inspire them, and help them. In doing so you are making roughly 100 people in the world a year (or however many you teach) think a little bit more like you. That is really powerful stuff, to me at least. As someone who was greatly influenced by my teachers, I can’t imagine violating the boundaries of that relationship. It’s very sacred in a way.

That being said, I feel that if one were to begin a student/teacher relationship, there would be an imbalance of power, especially with a significant age difference. If you look at the situation from a developmental perspective, someone at the age of 18 is at a very different place in their lives than someone at age 40.

Also, and once again this is just my opinion and I’m not saying it pertains to your situation, but romantic relationships between students and teachers creates an ethical dilemma. Even if a teacher waits until a student has graduated to pursue a relationship, that teacher in their position of power has still lusted after an underage student while they were a student, the one that they are supposed to teach and inspire and help, as I mentioned earlier. That just doesn’t sit right with me, in my opinion.

Despite the fact that I don’t have children, I also try to empathize with parents in this situation. You send your child to school assuming that they are safe and getting a good education, yet their teacher is thinking of your child in a sexual way…It gets very muddy and complicated I know, but that’s another issue that I have a problem with.

So, I’m aware that I haven’t really given you the advice you probably wanted, but I won’t be able to. These are my ethical standpoints in regards to student/teacher relationships. Whether or not you pursue a relationship with your former teacher is your choice to make as I assume you are 18 now. Long story short, I believe that the sexy schoolgirl fantasy should remain a role play fantasy and be left at that.

I'm in love. Yeah... not as great as I thought it would be. The person I'm in love with loves me back, or at least they used to. We were best friends, which turned into a flirtationship, which turned into a relationship, they broke it off (it almost killed me), and now we're kinda flirty friends again. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get over them; or if I even should because this seems to be going in the same pattern as before. Any advice??

Tue, 25 Sep 2012 12:15:00 -0700

Well you sort of answered your own question. You’ve seen a pattern going on with this person before, and unless they’re acting totally different towards you, the pattern is just going to keep on going and you’re just going to get hurt again. Also if they broke up with you, it must have been for a reason. You don’t want to go through with that again, do you? In my opinion a relationship like this isn’t worth your time. I’ve seen tons of people get stuck in on and off relationships and it really takes a toll on them. You know what’s best for you, You’ve been able to recognize that there’s a pattern and so I think the best thing to do is just walk away from this person. Hope I helped :)

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Fri, 10 Aug 2012 12:38:51 -0700

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Need advice or someone to talk to?

Tue, 07 Aug 2012 01:21:46 -0700

My name is Ami. I was a peer counselor in high school and I’m pursuing a career to be a counselor. I love talking to people and helping them solve their problems, and I’d like to make tumblr a more positive place. I’ve helped people with all sorts of problems, from make up tips to self harm to relationship problems. Check out my advice blog, and send a message! :)

http://sendinaletter.tumblr.com/

ive never been in a relationship, and I am now twenty I guess I always fall for the wrong guys, sophomore year a guy asked me out, the same day asked to have sex with me. I said NO, he was like F that she he doesnt want to go out with me & hes not going to tell me why, Then I found out he didnt want to be a V in the 11th grade. Junior yr, I was so into this guy, who just lead me on & was a tease, that my close friend went out with. I got asked 2 prom & got stood up. and there more :c

Sat, 04 Aug 2012 14:09:27 -0700

It really just seems like the guys you knew in high school were a bunch of jerks. I really don’t think it has anything to do with you or that anything is wrong with you. The first two guys seemed like they were just looking for a sexual relationship, which is ok for them, but they picked the wrong girl. Good for you for sticking to your beliefs and not letting them pressure you! I’m really sorry that these crappy situations have happened to you, but I don’t want you to lose hope. Sometimes we just go through not so awesome periods of our life, especially when romantic relationships are involved. It sounds like your teen/high school years was that time.

So now, I don’t know if you’re in college or working, but the post high school world really does have much more people, and even better, chances are those people are more mature. Just continue to be yourself, be friendly, and get to know the guy on a friendship level before going further. It will happen :)

one last question, how should I start talking to that boy

Sat, 04 Aug 2012 00:07:14 -0700

I think with all the drama going on, focus on the problem you have right in front of of you first. A relationship probably isn’t the best idea right now.

Honestly what would you think if you had a girlfriend (bff) like me? But be honest

Fri, 03 Aug 2012 13:20:06 -0700

Well I might be kind of annoyed once I found out. I would mainly want to know why you lied and we’d have to talk about it. But depending on our friendship if we were super close I’d probably be able to forgive you.

I hope so, My mother was obviously upset, but she said nothing, just tell the truth etc all goes well happen but I do not think so, I feel that people want to murder me that will of course not happen, but I'm just afraid of what people tell me go.

Thu, 02 Aug 2012 14:45:24 -0700

Well, I don’t think people will exactly be happy with you obviously, some may be more angry than others, but really the longer you wait the more this problem will just drag on. It’s only going to get worse so the best thing to do is just cut it short. I think your mom has good advice on this one, and I bet that she will be supportive of you telling the truth.

thank you, well my parents are divorced but my mom and my sister already knows, and I'm now at another school but actually my problem is something else, when I did I had a relationship with a boy who was 15, now I'm already 1.5 2 years with no one been together, I think to him for 2 years I was with him then 6 months together and I think this is long, it may be that I am in love with him, because I lied against him, I tell myself start again forget you're changing etc but I can not for 2 years I

Thu, 02 Aug 2012 03:38:23 -0700

Well if he cares about you and loves you I bet that if you’re honest with him you guys might be able to work through it. What do your mom and sister have to say about the situation?

my boyfriend's addicted to pornography and i need advice.

Thu, 02 Aug 2012 03:36:34 -0700

tinycheynie:

Read More

This is a pretty heavy topic that I’ve personally never given advice on, so I’m answering this as best as I can.

So the bright side of this is, that I can tell from what you’ve written that your boyfriend does care about you, he’s trustworthy, he trusts you(especially with facebook passwords and whatnot). So it seems the only true downside of your relationship is his pornography addiction. However, at least he is honest with you about it and his thoughts.

Now, I’d like to address the feelings that you mentioned. I do not think that you are being controlling, unreasonable, or overreacting at all. In fact, I empathize with you 110%. On the other hand, there’s a general rule which I think should apply to relationships:Wanting different things does not make either of you bad people.

So, him wanting to look at pornography but still be in a relationship does not make him a bad person, while you wanting to be in an exclusive relationship with no porn doesn’t make you a bad person either. It just might mean that you want different things in a relationship.

I don’t want you to assume that means that you guys can’t make it work though, or that you should break up. From what I’ve read, I actually do think that you guys can work through this, but I’m warning you that it will NOT be easy and it will probably take quite a while.

Your boyfriend has shown many signs of remorse for his habit. That’s a good thing. The fact that he felt bad about the twitter incident shows that he has a conscience and doesn’t want to hurt you, and the fact that it hasn’t happened since is even better. Him removing the filter and wanting to change his password was probably an attempt for him to try and test his willpower to stop on his own, which as you guessed probably failed. You’re not controlling for wanting him to put the filter back on, especially if he tells you he will, that gets your hopes up understandably so. When he gets upset at you for bringing it up, I think it’s because he most likely feels shame and wishes that he could get through it and stop on his own, but can’t.

The issue of tumblr is completely understandable, my guy is in a band too, and if he got some random girl’s picture I would react the same way. I think that your boyfriend showed a lot of maturity when he realized that internet fame isn’t worth the underlying issue, and that probably took a lot of courage on his part, given his addiction.

I know I’ve kind of restated your story back in a way, but in doing so I’ve tried to highlight the positive effort that your boyfriend has shown. I really do think that he is making progress.

So, if you haven’t done so already, have a serious conversation with him about whether or not he really wants to stop this addiction, and ask for honesty, not what he thinks will make you feel better. Because if he wants to be in a relationship and still look at porn, that’s fine for him, but clearly not for you. The feelings that you have about not being enough for him are very real and you don’t deserve to feel that way. If he is not willing to drop the addiction, it’s really best to let go of the relationship or else you’ll be stuck with that horrible feeling.

If he truly does want to get through this though, it IS possible, but like I said earlier, it’s going to take a lot of time, patience, and it will be stressful. I really recommend him seeing a counselor. There are many counselors that specialize in pornography addiction and sexual troubles. If he’s comfortable with it, you should go with him too. Relationships are about teamwork, and teammates get through problems by working together. Also, I noticed that you put Christianity in the tags of your post. Is there a church nearby that you feel comfortable with? A lot of churches have men’s or couple’s groups, and I can assure you that pornography is an issue that would be discussed. Even better about going to a group is that he wouldn’t be alone, and there would be other people going through what he is, while also strengthening faith.

I really hope that this helped, and if anything else comes up or I didn’t answer something the way you needed please let me know. Keep me posted on how he’s doing too. It’s a process and if you guys stick with it you’ll need all the support you can get.

I'm bigger than how old I am,all of one 12 th and I it to everyone that I am 15 and next year 16so many guys with so I assumed I had sex with boys and stuff, and one 13 has taught everyone that I lied so now I'm 16 and I really do not know how I should solve, it was really stupid I know it! I live in a small town so I do not know what to do please help me: '( + Some girls hate me I'm afraid, but nobody knows that I'm afraid I'm look always strong and happy

Thu, 02 Aug 2012 03:03:28 -0700

Well your parents/guardians know your actual age, right? Do they know that you did this? And if you’re going to school wouldn’t your grade raise some suspicion about that? This won’t be really fun, but I think it’s best that you just tell the truth. Think of this as a lesson that lies, no matter how small they seem at the time can really cascade into a mess. It could be worse and you could have lied about something much worse, but it’s really not going to be the end of the world. Also, people have no right to spread rumors about you or your sex life, regardless of how old you are. And yes, some people might be angry with you but spending time with yourself might help you learn something, you can start with a clean slate and make friends who care for you regardless of your age or who they think you are.

Just wondering, do girls like a guy with confidence? Because I'm nervous to talk to girls because I'm scared they'll find it weird, but I don't know if they want me to be confident and talk to them first. Im worried I'm missing out on a potential relationship Because of my shyness/lack of confidence to talk to Amy girl

Thu, 02 Aug 2012 02:45:00 -0700

There’s a fine line between confidence and cockiness. Also, different girls like different personalities. Some girls like a guy that knows what he wants and goes for it, some girls find social awkwardness and a timid personality to be cute. If you want to work on being confident, take small steps so you don’t get too overwhelmed. Focus on being polite and friendly. A smile or a wave goes a long way. In fact, me smiling and waving at a boy I liked when we walked by each other every day is what led to us talking, and eventually dating! If you’re within close proximity, strike up a conversation about something you can both relate to (school/work is GREAT for this) and then move on to other topics. I think movies/music/books are safe topics that can help you get to know a person. So start there and see where it gets you :) Regular(not constant staring!) eye contact and an occasional smile and laugh (used sparingly when something is actually funny or else it can become a nervous habit) also will help you to appear naturally calm and engaged in the conversation, and it will show her that you’re interested. Good Luck!

hi hello im a new advice blog, and I just want to get myself out there, I wanna help make a difference, and see people smile. and know i help so if you can let your followers know, that be great xxx

Thu, 02 Aug 2012 02:38:50 -0700

Hey everyone! Check out her page :)

can you help me for everything ?? because I am thick in trouble :( I do not know what to do , I am ashamed of this, and I do not know how I have to say :( I was 13 14 when I did something bad so I tell myself you were a child does it, but when I think I can not breathe :( PLEASE HELP ME !

Thu, 02 Aug 2012 02:37:17 -0700

Everyone at some point has done something that they are ashamed of. It’s normal to feel bad about it, but feeling consumed with guilt is not healthy at all. I’ve gone through similar feelings, and talking to someone about it really does help. Would you like to talk more about it? This is a safe place, I won’t judge you or think less of you as a person.

Need advice or someone to talk to?

Thu, 02 Aug 2012 01:51:52 -0700

Check out my advice blog, and send a message! :)

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I recently broke up with my boyfriend because I felt like I didn't love him anymore. Ever since the breakup, he's been texting me saying, "I love you" and "I don't want to lose you." I told him to stop texting me because I needed time alone to think for myself. Recently, I told him "I love you too," and I regret saying it because he thinks there's a chance we'll get back together now. Is there any way to tell him I don't want to get back together? And do you have any other advice on this mess?

Thu, 12 Jul 2012 17:30:30 -0700

Well first I’d like to ask you a question that you should probably also ask yourself. Why did you respond by saying you love him too? Think about why you said it and whether you really meant it. If you didn’t mean it and you really have no desire to carry on a relationship with him, you need to tell him. As far as explaining to him why, It’s somewhat understandable to still ‘love’ someone who was in your life like that, you might just not love them in that same way though. It’s not going to be easy, but you really just have to be honest. And since it sounds like both of you are in a sensitive place, you should really just cut off contact with each other for now.

I'm in a relationship with this girl and we've been dating for 5 months now and I don't think I'm really into this girl. I really hate myself for this because I've been lying to her and leading her on and I hate being like that. Before I was in this relationship I told myself I'm not one of those asshole guys who plays with girls. I'm not. but I'm just not "in love"and this is my first relationship. I really don't wanna break up with her because I don't wanna hurt her feelings. Idk what to do :/

Tue, 10 Jul 2012 10:11:00 -0700

Relationships are a learning experience, regardless of how they turn out. For a first relationship you guys were together a pretty long time. When you’re with someone you don’t only learn about the other person, you also learn about yourself as well, especially when it comes to what you like or don’t like. If you don’t feel a connection with her after all this time, do both yourself and her a favor and end it. You said that you don’t want to be one of those guys who plays girls’ feelings, so don’t be one of those guys. Come out of the relationship with a lesson learned. From now on, try to be more assertive and speak up when it comes to what’s important to you.

I hate myself and I don't even know why. I think I'm relatively pretty I guess and I don't hurt myself or try to lose weight because I find that stupid, but there's something about me that I really hate and when I look at myself I cringe. Is there any way I can somehow stop this, because my parents and family are starting to notice. And I hate this.

Sat, 23 Jun 2012 10:31:00 -0700

It seems like you lack self confidence. Have you always felt like this? Did something happen in your life to cause you to gradually feel this way? It won’t happen overnight but it’s a good idea to start doing things that will improve how you view yourself. Make funny/silly/ugly/scary faces at yourself in the mirror. Learn to laugh at yourself. Dance around your room to your favorite music, even if you feel weird, you’ll start to feel more comfortable with yourself. Also, when you look at the mirror, every day try to find one thing that you like about yourself. Is it your eyes? wear makeup or a hairstyle that draws attention to them. Your butt? Wear a cute skirt or well fitting pants that flaunt it. Also, exercise isn’t just for people who want to lose weight. Everyone is recommended to exercise for the sake of good health, and I’m going to recommend it to you too. It will release endorphins, which will make you feel happy and confident. So just take time to try out some of those things and focus on what makes you feel good :)