Posts tagged boyfriend
Posts tagged boyfriend
This is a pretty heavy topic that I’ve personally never given advice on, so I’m answering this as best as I can.
So the bright side of this is, that I can tell from what you’ve written that your boyfriend does care about you, he’s trustworthy, he trusts you(especially with facebook passwords and whatnot). So it seems the only true downside of your relationship is his pornography addiction. However, at least he is honest with you about it and his thoughts.
Now, I’d like to address the feelings that you mentioned. I do not think that you are being controlling, unreasonable, or overreacting at all. In fact, I empathize with you 110%. On the other hand, there’s a general rule which I think should apply to relationships:Wanting different things does not make either of you bad people.
So, him wanting to look at pornography but still be in a relationship does not make him a bad person, while you wanting to be in an exclusive relationship with no porn doesn’t make you a bad person either. It just might mean that you want different things in a relationship.
I don’t want you to assume that means that you guys can’t make it work though, or that you should break up. From what I’ve read, I actually do think that you guys can work through this, but I’m warning you that it will NOT be easy and it will probably take quite a while.
Your boyfriend has shown many signs of remorse for his habit. That’s a good thing. The fact that he felt bad about the twitter incident shows that he has a conscience and doesn’t want to hurt you, and the fact that it hasn’t happened since is even better. Him removing the filter and wanting to change his password was probably an attempt for him to try and test his willpower to stop on his own, which as you guessed probably failed. You’re not controlling for wanting him to put the filter back on, especially if he tells you he will, that gets your hopes up understandably so. When he gets upset at you for bringing it up, I think it’s because he most likely feels shame and wishes that he could get through it and stop on his own, but can’t.
The issue of tumblr is completely understandable, my guy is in a band too, and if he got some random girl’s picture I would react the same way. I think that your boyfriend showed a lot of maturity when he realized that internet fame isn’t worth the underlying issue, and that probably took a lot of courage on his part, given his addiction.
I know I’ve kind of restated your story back in a way, but in doing so I’ve tried to highlight the positive effort that your boyfriend has shown. I really do think that he is making progress.
So, if you haven’t done so already, have a serious conversation with him about whether or not he really wants to stop this addiction, and ask for honesty, not what he thinks will make you feel better. Because if he wants to be in a relationship and still look at porn, that’s fine for him, but clearly not for you. The feelings that you have about not being enough for him are very real and you don’t deserve to feel that way. If he is not willing to drop the addiction, it’s really best to let go of the relationship or else you’ll be stuck with that horrible feeling.
If he truly does want to get through this though, it IS possible, but like I said earlier, it’s going to take a lot of time, patience, and it will be stressful. I really recommend him seeing a counselor. There are many counselors that specialize in pornography addiction and sexual troubles. If he’s comfortable with it, you should go with him too. Relationships are about teamwork, and teammates get through problems by working together. Also, I noticed that you put Christianity in the tags of your post. Is there a church nearby that you feel comfortable with? A lot of churches have men’s or couple’s groups, and I can assure you that pornography is an issue that would be discussed. Even better about going to a group is that he wouldn’t be alone, and there would be other people going through what he is, while also strengthening faith.
I really hope that this helped, and if anything else comes up or I didn’t answer something the way you needed please let me know. Keep me posted on how he’s doing too. It’s a process and if you guys stick with it you’ll need all the support you can get.
I wouldn’t necessarily be worried. Sexuality is something that is with us our whole lives, so it’s okay to discover new things. The fact that you liked kissing a girl may or may not say anything about your sexual orientation, depending on what it means to you personally. So just take some time to think about what certain romantic/sexual activities mean to you, what makes you attracted to a person and how you determine whether or not someone is relationship material. However, I would keep your boyfriend in mind. If you’re interested in further exploring activities with other girls, which is totally fine, but if your boyfriend wants an exclusive relationship you may want to consider talking to him about it.
Yeah, that’s totally normal! It’s a good thing you’re over him, because you’d probably feel a lot worse. If you’ve emotionally invested yourself in someone for a long time, it’s understandable to be a bit peeved if someone goes after him. I’d probably feel the same way. Just try to cool off and maybe avoid them when they’re together to keep away those feelings. If you’re going to your prom, have fun with your friends! :)
Well, whatever happened between the two of you was 3 years ago, and people can change a LOT in just 3 years. I’m sure that both of you have matured quite a bit since then. At this point, you’re losing sleep and it’s only going to keep bugging you. If I were you I might casually say, “I had a dream about the two of us from a few years ago when…….” and then say, “weird, huh?” and laugh or something along those lines to keep it lighthearted. I think it would be worth talking to him and just asking what happened/why it didn’t work out. I mean you guys are best friends, you should at least have some closure. And who knows, maybe his feelings have changed. You’ll never know if you don’t ask.
From what I’ve seen, on/off relationships usually don’t improve. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who actually loves and wants to be with you, don’t you think? If this guy was rude enough to break things off because he was “sick of the relationship”, he’s too immature to be in the type of relationship that you want. Even though he says he wants to be friends, by staying in contact with him, hanging out with him and letting him call you, you are enabling him to disrespect you and treat you badly. You opened this message by saying that you feel lost and stupid. Well, I think that if you leave this guy and break things off for good that you will feel a lot smarter and back in control of your life. Then you can make room for people who will respect you and who will value your relationship with them:)
That’s totally common for your first relationship. I’ve been there myself, lol and this just brought back a ton of memories. So, remembering what that feels like, I’ll just give you some tips.
First of all, relax. Breathe. First relationships are very exciting, but nervousness and worry can put a damper on the excitement.
Be yourself. I know this sounds cliche, but I really mean it. This guy is already in a relationship with you, so you don’t have to worry so much about whether or not they like you. Just relax when you are together and enjoy the time you spend with him. Cherish it :)
As the relationship continues, make sure that the two of you are able to communicate. My number one rule for relationships is that communication is key. And in order to make a romantic relationship long lasting, you should be able to be comfortable with this person and to feel like they are also your friend.
I don’t really want to give definite advice, because every relationship is different. If you have more specific questions, I would probably be able to offer more advice if you feel you need it. You have said that everything is going great to far, so I would keep doing what you are doing :)
Do not lead on your current boyfriend. End things with him asap because it’s not fair to him. How would you feel if someone did that do you? It’s normal to still have feelings for someone after a breakup, but he’s your ex for a reason. Take some time being single and letting go.
No one likes to be alone, it’s in our nature to have that desire to socialize and form relationships. That’s what makes us human. It’s understandable to feel sad when people are with their boyfriends/girlfriends, and it can be particularly annoying when there’s a lot of PDA going on! I personally believe in the importance of timing. Maybe you want a boyfriend right now, but the timing in your life is just wrong at the moment. Maybe you need to focus on yourself first, who you want to be, school, etc. I know that might not sound super fun but it is an important process, and you will learn so much from it. If you want an example, I have known a certain boy since I was 9, and for so many years I was basically desperate to find a boyfriend. Now we have been together for 4 years, and to think that he had been under my nose that whole time! If you would have told me when I was nine that I would fall in love with that kid, I wouldn’t have believed you. The point I’m trying to make is that you really don’t know when it’s going to happen, but that’s what makes it kind of fun. Also keep in mind that not all relationships last forever, and while some are short lived, you still learn something from them. Eventually everyone will find that special person, just at different times. Be patient, and it will be worth it.