Ask Ami

I wouldn’t necessarily be worried. Sexuality is something that is with us our whole lives, so it’s okay to discover new things. The fact that you liked kissing a girl may or may not say anything about your sexual orientation, depending on what it means to you personally. So just take some time to think about what certain romantic/sexual activities mean to you, what makes you attracted to a person and how you determine whether or not someone is relationship material. However, I would keep your boyfriend in mind. If you’re interested in further exploring activities with other girls, which is totally fine, but if your boyfriend wants an exclusive relationship you may want to consider talking to him about it.

First of all, I would like to let you know that you are not alone. I know many other teenagers (myself included) who have experienced the same feelings that you are going through right now. In my opinion, I think everyone experiences this, unfortunately not everyone is open about it  due to societal norms/expectations/taboos. (I am in no way trying to say that this is “just a phase”-I’ll get to that later)

This is kind of a difficult question to answer, because our sexual orientations play a huge role in our lives, but they are so complex, which is why it can be distressing when we have difficulty understanding our own. I would like to encourage you to think of this as a positive journey, one of growth and better self understanding.

The adolescent-young adult years can be awesome yet really frustrating because they are a period of transition. I mean, you’re expected to be mature yet legally can’t make certain decisions on your own, you’re expected to have goals and plans for your future even though your identity hasn’t even been established yet, it’s all really confusing! If you’ve never been in a relationship or sexual experiences with someone, or never even experienced sexual feelings until recently, that opens a whole new realm of questions about yourself and what you like, which can be exciting but scary at the same time. I totally understand why you feel a lack in your identity, and I know how scary that feels. Try to be patient with yourself.

Another point to consider is that sexuality is fluid. It grows and changes throughout our whole lives, sometimes playing an active role in daily life or laying low for a while. Sometimes we discover that we like something or someone new or different, or that something crosses our boundaries and makes us uncomfortable. All of this is okay. Try to think inward to better help you understand yourself and what you like. One the days where your interests shift from boys to girls and vice versa, try to key in on what it is that attracts you to them. Is it physical appearance? Sexual attraction? Emotional/mental connection? Do you feel a desire to be in a romantic relationship with them?  These are just a few questions that can help you figure out aspects of your sexuality and what you may want from a partner.

For right now, try not to worry too much about the labels of sexual orientation (gay, bi, etc) because they can cause stress and put pressure on you, which is the last thing you need right now. I know that can be difficult, because as a part of society, we like labels. They may appear to make things simpler, but leave little room for growth. Go easy on yourself. 

Like I mentioned earlier, this was a tough question to answer. I haven’t really gotten any questions on sexual orientation before and I hope I was able to help you. If you want to talk more feel free to let me know :) Also, here are some great articles from Scarleteen that I think will help you. It’s quite a bit of reading, but I think you will find it to be very comforting.

On Sexuality:

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/body/sexuality_wtf_is_it_anyway

On Attraction and Gender:

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/untangling_a_gender_attraction_and_relationships_tangle

On Orientation Labels:

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/words/hi_my_name_is_polyqueergenderqueer

On Questioning Orientation:

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/gaydar/the_bees_and_the_bees_a_homosexuality_and_bisexuality_primer

More On Questioning:

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/gaydar/q_is_for_questioning